A Quiet Reminder of my Resilience

When I was six years old, I climbed up on a grilled door. Trying to peek over to the other side, I ducked my head down, and with that downward force, one of the metal grills pierced into the area right below my chin, just above my throat.

I was left hanging there, trapped and suspended for a few agonising minutes before my grandmother spotted me. Reacting purely on instinct, she grabbed me by my hair and hauled me up off the door. Instantly, blood was everywhere. My grandmother called out for my mother, and together they pressed a thick wad of cotton against my throat. They rushed me to the nearest medical facility, where I had to get stitches, completely without anesthesia.

I was terrified. The doctors kept trying to get me to speak to check if my vocal cords were still intact, but I couldn't utter a word. It wasn't physical damage; it was the sheer, overwhelming trauma of the moment shutting me down.

Now, twenty-seven years later, the vivid memories of that day have mostly faded. 

Visually, I can barely recall any of it, except for one distinct image from our journey to the medical facility: 

I was sitting in a cycle rickshaw next to my mom. She had recently undergone a surgery herself and had rushed out the door wearing her nighty with a dupatta thrown over it. “What a weird outfit to wear to a hospital”, I remember thinking, desperately trying to anchor my mind to anything that could distract me from the pain under my chin.

Today, what remains is the simple, overwhelming truth that I survived it. 

Miraculously.

If that grill had penetrated just a fraction deeper, or a few inches lower directly into my throat, I wouldn't be here. 

I don’t dwell on how or why it happened, and I rarely think about it unless something brings it back to the surface. 

But whenever it does come back, I am filled with a quiet realisation that for someone who has only spent about three decades on this planet, I have gone through quite a lot and I have survived a lot, even if those around me don’t see or acknowledge it. 

And funnily, today I often dismiss my own capability and resilience to stride forward when struck with minor inconveniences, which makes me laugh and cry at the same time.

Stuck in the Tree of Stability

Look at this colourful bunch of balloons stuck in the tree.

This is just like me. 

I’m like this zesty colourful bunch of balloons.

Full of air; meant to fly. 

Then, one day, not so long ago, I saw a bunch of birds, resting in their nest with their kids and so I thought maybe I needed this rest too. 

I wanted to become a bird, forgetting what I actually am.

So, in this pursuit, I tried to rest on a tree but the tree held on to my strings and forbade me from flying, after that day.

Now, one by one, the balloons in my bunch are losing their air. 

My colours shine still, but no one can see me. And I can no longer fly like I am supposed to.

With my air slowly escaping, I’ll go farther away from my true purpose: flying. 

And one day, on this very tree, I’ll cease to be. 

Oh, what a waste of my vibrant colours that couldn’t adorn the sky the way it was supposed to. 

Oh, what a waste of the air in my body. 

Oh, what has my existence come to, when I went searching for something against my true nature.

QUESTIONING COMMITMENTS, PRIORITIES AND LOVE

Most often, so many of us get tangled between having to deal with the three of these heavy words, that bring with them, a sense of constant need for validation from time to time. And if you so fail to prove yourself, god save you from the emotional ride that is sure to follow!

But lately, I have been on the other side of the scenario- the one in which we demand proof instead.
Honestly, even when I did (indirectly) demand proof of someone's commitment and priorities towards me, I hadn't the slightest of idea how exhausting it must be for someone to try and prove something so simple yet so complex as love, especially when they are in a situation when they already know that they have disappointed you over and over again, even if unintentionally, and also know they couldn't have done any better any way.

Time and again, we fail to understand, they did what they thought was best for them at that moment and probably, in that situation, we weren't their priority; probably they couldn't think of us like we think of them all the time, in each of our decisions and each of our moves; and probably they wouldn't. Ever.

So what will you do now? Stop caring? Call it the end? Is that all?
Maybe we will move on from the incidents, each time. But even when we do move on from the instance,  we fail to let go of the hurt that it caused, so much so that we unintentionally begin to build a wall around ourselves, trying to protect our so-called-fragile heart from another heartbreak by someone we love.

It is funny, you know, how we are trying to guard ourselves from someone who we are the most exposed to. But it is also natural. It is so human.

It is true that little things like how you prioritize your people, how you communicate your sense of commitment towards your relationships with these people directly reflects that you love them. Many of us are gifted with amazing communication skills, so it's gonna be a cake walk for those. But how about those who aren't as good at it? Pity.

Lately, I have come to realize that people may not be good at keeping in touch, may not be able to prioritize you in times you'd like them to, may not even be able to be there for you in certain times of crisis.
To them, you may ask, "Why, then, should I even consider you important?", and your question will certainly remain absolutely valid.
But after you do ask that, pause, and think of a scenario wherein you genuinely want to be there for someone, but your circumstances lead you to choose yourself or something else, over a person you love, in that moment? Be absolutely sure that you are going to have this situation in your life some day ahead, if not already.

Won't you want to be understood that time? Would you like to be questioned like you question?
Would you even care to give a proof, the way you demand from someone else?

I asked myself these questions, and the madness of demanding proof vanished in a jiffy.

Someone can be your priority and yet be rarely in touch with you. You can be absolutely committed to your relationships, especially friendships, and be not very much in touch. And you can also completely do away with all your relationships that do not validate your set of rules; it is absolutely your choice.

As for me -I chose to stay; with the ones who matter to me, after knowing that I matter to them too.

Some of my most valuable relationships are with people who talk to me once in a blue moon, but always ensure they update me about everything happening in their lives. They are also the people who are more than willing to hear me out, if not help me in any other way - and that, is the best kind of help to heal you sometimes.

Also, I have come to terms with a fact that "Understanding" and "Compatibility" does not mean that two people think alike. Rather, it means that two people understand each others' differences of thoughts, actions, perceptions, commitments and priorities, and still choose to be with one another, accept one another.

And most importantly, I have also come to terms with a fact that in any goddamn romantic relationship, MEN WILL TAKE YOU FOR GRANTED- whether knowingly or not, and IT IS JUST HOW THEY ARE PROGRAMMED TO FUNCTION; also THEIR EMOTIONS DO NOT OVER RULE THEM LIKE IT DOES FOR WOMEN.

I have seen my dad taking my mum for granted; my brother taking his girlfriend for granted; my partner taking me for granted; my every girlfriends' partners taking them for granted; even my grandfather taking my grandma's efforts as given! It is just there! You can probably do nothing about it, so stop brooding over it.

This long blog post is also a note to self, for the times ahead,  because I know that I am going to need a lot of self motivating pep talks to keep myself going, for I was the one who chose to stay after all.

WORDS

I don't seek comfort in words anymore.
The more I utter, the more I hurt from within.

I don't seek comfort in words anymore.
The more I hear, the more I believe and the more I expect.

I don't seek comfort in words anymore,
for words are confusing and sometimes deceiving too.

I also don't believe in words anymore.
You need to make your words feel real
and that can not be done by merely uttering more words..

Words.. I used to be drunk and drowned in words once..
But now.. I don't seek comfort in words anymore.

OVERTHINKING

The most overly misused term is 'Overthinking' or 'Over-analyzing'.

For once you have been tagged an overthinker, to every genuine observation you make or feelings you feel or criticism you thereby arrive at, the listener will always turn into your critic, in denial of everything you utter, because 'Hey, you are just overthinking, it is nothing like that'.

It's the worst form of loneliness to be heard but not listened to.
I can feel the lump returning from within, and I know you'll deny it by terming it a hormonal overthinking!
There you go again.
You just tagged me something in your head and I am henceforth unworthy of being taken seriously.

So thank you, for making me feel that my feelings are not real, the hurt is not real, the observations are not real, the criticisms are not real. Tomorrow if you catch me faking my emotions, I won't be guilty because it was you, in the first place, who denied to accept that my feelings are real.

Bearing Vs Accepting: Is that even a battle?

There's a thin line between accepting and bearing with things.

The line is often crossed every now and then,
But no one pay attention to it so much.

Not until bearing with things is the only way you have for accepting it.

But maybe it isn't so bad to bear with things after all.

Maybe there isn't anything so unforgivable after all.

Maybe we were all meant to bear with each other instead of changing each other.

Maybe bearing with things is the only way to accept things after all.

Maybe the word 'bearing' has been overly misused in the wrong context after all.

Who knows?

Gratitude and Grumbling

One moment you are grateful, and in the very next you tend to grumble about the same things that you were grateful for.

And I think, it is only human to do so.

It is as though we are balancing the feeling of gratitude, with the feeling of dissatisfaction (and vice versa), just to attain some sense of stability within; as though happiness isn't the key to peace; as though something else is.