Him

The onset of  autumn '16,

just half a month past monsoon,

when excitement about a new job, 

new people and new experience was plenty.

Day 1:

I struggle with a door latched by biometrics,

a watchman watching my failed attempts cluelessly,

a stranger opens the door for me, from the other side of the world I was just about to step into.

With an unrequited smile, I walked ahead curiously.

Few months of happy-work-life later:

With a room full of partially known faces,

faced with the obligation of spending 8 hours of forced fellowhood for 5-odd-days,

I sat excitedly next to the stranger who opened the door for me on Day 1.

As curious as I was about the week ahead, to talk to this stranger was the last thing in my mind that minute.

A few awkward glances later:

Pointing at the ring on my hand he asks "Who bought this for you?",

knowing what he'd meant to ask, I said, "Mom did. For my birthday."

Sharing mutual grins, we continued with our routine of practice,

which seemed to completely bore this man, while the exact opposite with me. 

5-odd-days-of-forced-fellowhood later:

At 5:00 AM in the morning, forced into the morning schedule,

was my Monday which was supposed to bring an utterly shitty week along.

1 hour past, I see myself looking at the mirror in the ladies room,

with a smile so wide and a tickle in the tummy.

Ridiculing my inane excitement at the sight of this person,

I decide to keep my sensibility hat on.

The days that followed were a mix of my one-sided conversations,

and his constant efforts to seem genuinely interested in hearing the trivial attention to details of my stories, which made no sense or meaning to this poor listener.

Crux of the matter by the end of this week: a new friendship in the making.

2-weeks-of-casual-coffee-times-at-work-and-hi's-&-shy's later:

Something about the person made me feel too clinged to vapid thoughts,

reminding me of my past, I ensured that I stayed glued to my sanity,

"We're just colleagues", I told myself every time I traversed to my imaginary world filled with amorous conceptions with this new person.

Giving in to my endlessly coercing mind resulted in us going on our first real date.

2-weeks-from-the-first-date-later:

Bombarding in my head were some questions I had no answer to,

"Is this love?", I asked. 

And ended the day with "What did I just do today? God, Why? Shouldn't I just have waited for another few weeks before falling? What will he think of me? Won't he think I am toooo desperate? What if he said it back because he just had to? What if he meant nothing like that?"

"Of course, it won't mean anything, nobody means so much in such short span. Just be okay with letting go anytime, if that happens to be the case", I ordered myself.

A few months of unknown terrain later:

Things kept happening, I keep feeling and unfeeling the feelings,

I keep doing and undoing my love,

typing and untyping some words that mattered, sending love letters like a clod,

and often wigging myself for being too much, feeling too much, thinking too much.

He said that he felt similar things too, which was probably the only saving grace to my asinine heart.

Belief was my armor and faith my savior when the questions I had still, received no real answers.

An-email-from-another-world later:

A sudden sense of joy and sorrow had blended into one moment of lump in my throat.

Tied up at work, with only 30 minutes left for the shift to end, he still managed to come to hear what I had to say.

A blend of happiness and excitement on his face gave some solace and relief to my heavily pounding heart.

Amidst the many things I was unclear about, there was one certainty in the scenario-that I was going to leave the place.

Neither of us knew whether we would last, but both of us knew that we could make us last.

Two-months-into-the-new-world later:

A casual summer day of '17, 

monsoon in my world, sunny in his,

thankful about the fact that we've lasted two months since the distance creeped in,

I hid silently beneath the kitchen window at his place.

Clueless about my arrival, he comes in and sees a bunch of chocolates and a hand-written love letter that meant not so exciting to his eyes till then.

Moments later, I ran closer and jumped on like a spider-monkey,

leaving his lips speechless for a couple of hours, till it finally sunk in his head that I was here for a surprise visit!

Little did we know that it only marked a new beginning to a deeper love for both of us.

Our month arrived:

By August, this was it. 

This is all that we needed; each other's companionship and love.

August was our month of love.

August marked the beginning of bigger words with real meaning,

with even more meaning in the silences we shared.

August marked the outset of a more valuable relationship, more committed partnership.

Today:

All I need to summarize happiness, peace, and contentment is: HIM.

We

Some days are tough to handle,
Some nights ruthless.

I always end up thinking about the possibilities of being with you,
Tricking the world fool and running away from everything,
All I want mostly is to be in your soothing company.

Because when the whole world seems to be changing wrecklessly,
You are my constant salvation
from the odd realities.
And when it comes to emotions, you know I'm not that easy,
But despite some twists and turns,
You and I are always back to what it's meant to be;
"We"

In Search of Solace in Solitude

Loneliness-
isn't associated with the lack of people to care for you;
isn't related to living alone;
does not come with the pain of unrequited love;
need not be caused by any act that left unhealed wounds.

It's more than just a feeling; beyond the purview of right and wrong.

It's that hollow sensation in your gut that pinches you when you're disappointed of being attached to people.

It's that lump in your throat that aches every time you don't utter something you were supposed to, because you think that there's no point; that it doesn't matter.

It's that quiver in your body when you are faced with something that you already know but weren't ready to accept so far. 

It's that loss of belief in the words of someone who matters; in words themselves; in the existence of true words; in the existence of truth.

There are different phases of being lonely; some shallow, some deep.

It does not necessarily represent you're sad. Or just does not ALWAYS mean so.

Why I Resist Home

I resist going home.
I resist being home to someone too.

I resist the very idea of home lately.
"Why, though?", I thought.

"Home is not a place but a form of love. It's hard to resist love, ain't it?"
"Why still?", I thought.

"Maybe because 'going home' comes with a pain of 'coming back', and 'loving them' comes with a pain of 'leaving them' with the uncertainty of 'not knowing when we'll meet again; whether we'll meet again'.

Loving, comes with the pain of letting go.
While the heart's become accustommed to loving, it is still painful while learning to let go, every single time I return from there. Perhaps, that's why", I thought.

From a Body Full of Asymmetries to a Mind Full of Mumbles

I was born with a big black birth mark on my back. It's shaped as though someone had stabbed my back to death in my previous life. To that my mumbling mind says "That's why it seems like Déjà-Vu, every time someone betrays my trust now". 

I have a body full of asymmetries; one eye smaller than another; nose so tiny that my parents say that I was born with only two holes of nostrils in place of the whole nose; one hand bigger than another by almost a centimeter; two feet of different sizes with enormously longer fingers adjacent to toes. All these and many other asymmetries known only to me, to which my mind mumbles "There can surely never be another me, for unless I disclose these to anyone, nobody can turn as perfectly asymmetric as me".

I'm sure everyone is their own kind of unique. How accepting we are to our asymmetries is totally upon our outlook towards life as a whole and our individual selves in particular.

It'll take it's own sweet time. You'll hate yourself some days. You'll seem too fat (thin) to yourself some days, too many marks on your body, or maybe not as glowing a skin as you wanted, despite the thousands you spent on cosmetic remedies. I tell you, one day soon, you'll give up on being perfect, you'll stop the external cosmetic remedies that torch your body, your mind, your peace. 

The same mumbling mind will give you the answers you need; the pep talks you want someone out there to give you; the "best-friendly" advise that you seek from someone else- it'll give you all.

All you need to do is be okay with who you are, strive to be a better person; healthier than yesterday, happier than today and content than ever before.

What it is Like to Miss My Baby Sister

It is one of those days when I woke up with the thought of my childhood memories with my baby sister.

Though she's a cousin, the bond that we share is beyond any blood relation. I have known her since the time she was born. I have held her and fallen with her down the stairs when she was only months old.

We have laughed together, cried together, done crazy stuff together, eaten together, slept together and even dreamt together.

She's been so much closer to me than my own real sibling.

She has known all my close friends and still remembers their names and the phase in which they've been a part of my life.

It is one of those days when I woke up with a wish to spend time with my little one, talk it all out, laugh, hug and cuddle with my little bundle of love, just like old times!

She was right. We have indeed grown up to become too busy in our futile aspirations that we have no time left to relive those wonderful childhood days.

Perhaps, it is this thought which wakes me up to live up for something more meaningful..

Perhaps, that is what her remembrance is meant to make me learn! 

When Life as is Feels Like a Series of Serendipities

None of what I have right now is what I was ever looking for, but all of what I have right now is the best that could have ever happened to me.

This job, this city, this liberating feeling that the sea brings, the support and love that I receive from my family, My Sahil, my friends Deepanshi, Bhavna, Shivani, Shilpa my family-like colleagues Shalini and Srejita who count days when I am away, just to pamper me with all that love once I am back, what-all and what-not, I could go on counting them!

Today, as I look back at the 24 years of my life, I come to realize that my life has offered me way beyond what I could have found by myself and I am just grateful.

I believe that all our life is but a jigsaw puzzle. We look for the right piece of the puzzle every moment, whether love, friendship, career, or just the place. But we don't really appreciate how beautiful the jigsaw puzzle looks when we do find and fix the perfect pieces, whether we find it early in our lives or later. Rather we complain about what we have not found yet, and how incomplete the jigsaw is without those pieces!

Sitting with myself in my most favorite month, I think of all the pieces of my puzzle so far and adore how they fit in perfectly and how beautiful the jigsaw of my life looks right now!

Indeed my life is just a collation of a series of serendipities, joining themselves into my own personal jigsawed picture, which looks absolutely adorable right now!

I'm so grateful!