What It Feels Like to Be Let Down by Those Who Matter.

This one particular post arose from a self-induced conversation with myself one morning, when I woke up to find that nobody sent me a random "good morning" text as it once used to be.

And then I asked myself, "have i also become like those thousands and millions of people who constantly run from morning till night, in the name of job and work pressure, who, in the end,forget how to really live life and forget that growing wrinkly with a lot of memories is more valuable than growing wrinkly with a lot of money?"

I paused, took a deep breath, and told myself, "no dear. It's unfortunately your dear ones who have become that way. Look at yourself, you still want memories more than Money". For once I was reassured.

I sighed and continued speaking to myself in my head, more so because, lately I have nobody else to speak to, about my life, my feelings, intellectual learning, and also random blabbers. 

Oh, how I miss blabbering randomly about everything that matters, and everything that doesn't. 

Now all that I do is be less talkative about myself in front of everyone, whether or not they matter to me.

Because, as I walked back the memory lane, I only saw that one by one, people became distant. 

But lets not blame them. They're living their journey and you're living yours. So we let them go graciously and not curse or abuse them. 

I remember what my father once told me when I needed some help but nobody turned up. 

He said "There will be times when every one you've ever known, trusted and loved, will be, intentionally or unintentionally, incapable and unavailable for extending their help and support to you. Perhaps that will be the time when you think you needed them the most. It could be family, friends, classmates, or anyone whom you dearly love. But, they may not arrive for your rescue. Do not blame them and increase your level of sorrow at that point. It's difficult not to, for even I get upset about such things even now. But do not hold on to it. And most importantly, do not do to them what they did to you. You'll realise that your powerful and capable enough for yourself or you'll get help from somewhere you never expected to."

I quickly retaliated "You think I'm a fool? You think I am stupid enough to help those people again? Never! Let them go to hell"

He just laughed at me and left, and we never spoke about it again.

But today, when I have actually been through this part, when I trusted deeply but was left stranded at a crucial moment, felt sad and lonely, and cried about it for several days together, and still trying to get over what happened and never look back at it, I remember what dad said.

So I wake up, and walk ahead as if I don't care if I was hurt, for I know I'll never forget how they didn't turn up when I wanted, but I also know that it is for me to decide whether to keep my compassion upheld or not.

I haven't yet decided it though.

But for later incidences, I know importantly whom I cannot to seek help from.

As my lovely Phagun puts it "People come and go from life, but that's what people do. You can't completely rely on anyone. And mostly, you gotta be your own hero"

For now, let's continue the journey as it goes.

What Rebuilding a New Self Feels Like

No matter how strong you are as an individual, we all know that none of us are void of those deep-rooted feelings and emotions that make us go weak on our knees at times..

It might be the case that not many of those around you know that you too have a delicate side, which, when touched, melts you down or breaks you down completely. But there can not be a single human being who doesn't have such a side and in fact, there's nothing wrong in having a soft side which is hidden within you.

But my focus, in this particular blog, is to express what happens when that delicate corner of the heart is hurt..

Often, people who have a strong personality, build higher walls around their heart, so that their delicate corner is accessible only by the few, who they think are worth opening up to. 

And then there are those like me..

I have not been an outright strong person and I've been known for my frequent emotional outbursts and heartbreaks and regular breech of trust, for I hardly had a wall around my heart.. It looked more like a parapet, easy enough to jump across even by the smallest one around.. And so anyone who happened to seem nice to me would get a place in my heart and I would easily put my trust in them and in most cases, get hurt by them..

There are countless such instances where I have been immensely hurt and it was only after a lot of pain that I understood that it wasn't them who had hurt me, it was my lack of attention to detail of their characters that made me get hurt eventually..

As I turned inwards in my approach to life, I realized that nobody hurts you unless you give them the authority to do so.. 

For example, your parents or your lover.. They are so important to you that if they are mean to you, your whole life may seem meaningless and just a feeling of constant support from them, on the other hand, makes you feel complete. Why??

Because you have given them the place of utmost importance..

It was, however, easier put in words than implemented in life.

For someone like me, it became extremely suffocating to judge people before letting them in. Half the time, I would prefer going through the pain after being hurt than going through the exhausting task of judging people beforehand.

For me, even to do a tiny act of kindness to another person, it was essential to let them in my world.. Anybody who wasn't a part of my world, had nothing to get from me, not even a glimpse nor a smile. Nothing!

And in such a situation, where I trusted anybody that were sweet to me, I went through a series of unending heartbreaks, year after year, without a break.

It was more exhausting than one can take. I decided to then shut myself down and keep my circle small and be independent of anyone, including the dearest ones.

This created so many conflicts particularly as it meant to rebuild the person I'd been for 20 years of my life, to become something ideal..

Many attempts failed, and many still in progress.. 

My new ideologies clash with what my heart has been trained to believe for the past 20 years and oh my, it is exhausting..

So much to do, so much to explore and I feel so entangled between the mind and heart, that sometimes all I need is to take a break, run away and be on my own..

Perhaps the most soothing way to live is to keep an open heart and be dispassionate about people, explore new opportunities and places and just be.

Analysis of everything becomes just so exhausting that you'd prefer being mentally challenged than being emotionally drained.

In the end, the fact remains that human life is bound to be affected by the humans around and nobody can save u from the pain they give you in some way or the other. All you can do, is probably just shake it off, move ahead, even when it hurts, with a hope that maybe tomorrow is a better day.