What Rebuilding a New Self Feels Like

No matter how strong you are as an individual, we all know that none of us are void of those deep-rooted feelings and emotions that make us go weak on our knees at times..

It might be the case that not many of those around you know that you too have a delicate side, which, when touched, melts you down or breaks you down completely. But there can not be a single human being who doesn't have such a side and in fact, there's nothing wrong in having a soft side which is hidden within you.

But my focus, in this particular blog, is to express what happens when that delicate corner of the heart is hurt..

Often, people who have a strong personality, build higher walls around their heart, so that their delicate corner is accessible only by the few, who they think are worth opening up to. 

And then there are those like me..

I have not been an outright strong person and I've been known for my frequent emotional outbursts and heartbreaks and regular breech of trust, for I hardly had a wall around my heart.. It looked more like a parapet, easy enough to jump across even by the smallest one around.. And so anyone who happened to seem nice to me would get a place in my heart and I would easily put my trust in them and in most cases, get hurt by them..

There are countless such instances where I have been immensely hurt and it was only after a lot of pain that I understood that it wasn't them who had hurt me, it was my lack of attention to detail of their characters that made me get hurt eventually..

As I turned inwards in my approach to life, I realized that nobody hurts you unless you give them the authority to do so.. 

For example, your parents or your lover.. They are so important to you that if they are mean to you, your whole life may seem meaningless and just a feeling of constant support from them, on the other hand, makes you feel complete. Why??

Because you have given them the place of utmost importance..

It was, however, easier put in words than implemented in life.

For someone like me, it became extremely suffocating to judge people before letting them in. Half the time, I would prefer going through the pain after being hurt than going through the exhausting task of judging people beforehand.

For me, even to do a tiny act of kindness to another person, it was essential to let them in my world.. Anybody who wasn't a part of my world, had nothing to get from me, not even a glimpse nor a smile. Nothing!

And in such a situation, where I trusted anybody that were sweet to me, I went through a series of unending heartbreaks, year after year, without a break.

It was more exhausting than one can take. I decided to then shut myself down and keep my circle small and be independent of anyone, including the dearest ones.

This created so many conflicts particularly as it meant to rebuild the person I'd been for 20 years of my life, to become something ideal..

Many attempts failed, and many still in progress.. 

My new ideologies clash with what my heart has been trained to believe for the past 20 years and oh my, it is exhausting..

So much to do, so much to explore and I feel so entangled between the mind and heart, that sometimes all I need is to take a break, run away and be on my own..

Perhaps the most soothing way to live is to keep an open heart and be dispassionate about people, explore new opportunities and places and just be.

Analysis of everything becomes just so exhausting that you'd prefer being mentally challenged than being emotionally drained.

In the end, the fact remains that human life is bound to be affected by the humans around and nobody can save u from the pain they give you in some way or the other. All you can do, is probably just shake it off, move ahead, even when it hurts, with a hope that maybe tomorrow is a better day.