Gratitude and Grumbling

One moment you are grateful, and in the very next you tend to grumble about the same things that you were grateful for.

And I think, it is only human to do so.

It is as though we are balancing the feeling of gratitude, with the feeling of dissatisfaction (and vice versa), just to attain some sense of stability within; as though happiness isn't the key to peace; as though something else is.

Drunk-Talk Romance

Oh once, there was a phase full of drunk-talk romance,
When nobody ever wanted to just leave a chance
to pour the love out of their heart's tip
after the spirit touched their drab lips.

Oh once, there was a phase when everyone who
did not have the courage to express love
would seek a bourbon whiskey's woo
to find them words to win over their beloved.

Oh once, there was a place where all the drunkards met
some sang songs of joy, while some silently wept,
and that is where I found him, sitting in the dark
with eyes full of stories that tore him apart.

High on whiskey, tipsy was I,
when I went near him,
he saw me, passed a courteous smile
and turned back to his grim.

Curious, I went to try on him my drunk-talk romance,
but found that he's the only one that didn't need this chance.
There was something more to his silence, I wish I had known,
the depth of his silence hid something which I wish he had shown.

Oh once again, I was in this place,
seeking out to give and take some solace,
but this place was still full of drunk-talk romance,
and I couldn't find the one who didn't need this chance.

"Whose Number 1 Are You?"

Your parents have 2,
But their No.1 isn't you.

Your sibling has 1,
But clearly You ain't that one.

Your lover has 4,
But You ain't his either, for sure.

Best friends You have many,
but when You need them, You can't find any.

And pets you have none.
Maybe it is time that you get yourself one!

In the end, only one thing stays true,
that your own No.1 is You.

To My New Understanding Of Siblinghood Psychology

In a very recent encounter, I happened to fall into the trap of feeling like an 'unloved' younger sibling, which was pretty much on contrary to the commonly perceived notion of the younger sibling receiving all the love from the parents, with additional pampering from the elder sibling.

For a long time, I was in fact the most loved at my place, with my elder one always ready to protect me and beat up anyone who happens to be even an inch-close to bullying me as a child.

As we grew up, I realized how he lacked the maturity that an elder one must have; that protectiveness faded, the priorities clearly changed, the love was concealed, and most importantly, there wasn't someone for me to look up to for advice, as opposed to what used to be when we were kids.

And then, there came this time, when I was surrounded by a bunch of elder siblings, who were head-over-heals in love with their younger ones; so much so that they treat them like their 'first baby' (which is the exact phrase that I got when I asked them what makes them love their little one so much). And it was strange because I have never experienced a sibling love of that kind, EVER in my life.

More recently, I have even seen a couple of my closest people shattering down at the sight of pain of their younger one, and I failed to understand why I have not been as loved as these younger siblings.

And so, the most obvious happened; I thought the flaw is in me. I thought I wasn't good enough to be loved like the others. I thought my relationship with my elder one is probably too dysfunctional (which you'll understand if you read my one-liner post on 'Dysfunctional Brotherhood').

But then I understood that this is where the age-gap matters. I saw examples of most dysfunctional siblinghoods wherein the age-gap being too little made all the sense to explain why as adults, these siblings grew apart, and why the love gets concealed, and why the protectiveness fades.

The feeling of 'He/She's almost as old as me' prevails throughout in this relationship, particularly after adulthood.

And more importantly, I understood that what makes a fonder siblinghood is simply the fact that the elder ones is 'elder enough' to have that natural instinct to protect and pamper, and the younger one is 'younger enough' to feel the need to have a safe haven in their elder siblings.

The lack of either (or both) of these, just makes this siblinghood unintentionally distant.

And obviously, things may not be as simplistic as I have put it out here, but I think, this works well as an explanation to gladden my heart that at least, it has got nothing to do with either of us, it is just something beyond our control.

And perhaps, there's still a possibility that this may get better in future, you never know.

A Dysfunctional Brotherhood

Somewhere between feeling jealous of a perfect brotherhood that isn't mine, and feeling guilty about that jealousy, I found myself in utter self-pity

Being Centred Amidst a Rightward Storm

This whole thing started with a thought that arose in my mind this morning; “Amidst a rightward storm that is swaying away the world, it is so difficult to be centred, if not on the left.”

As political as it may seem, this drift is something much bigger- a drift in the world’s thought process, if I may say so- which has apparently been driven by the political motives of global leaders (and supported greatly by the people) if you so look carefully at our world and our society as it is today.

To begin with our country, let us trail a couple of years back in time. Although there have eternally been clashes between different castes, communities and religions in the past too, I do not recall a time wherein our religion was under the threat of being extinct or ruled over. For that matter, every religion was coexisting, although not very harmoniously, but at least did not have the sense of threat of extinction.

Suddenly, every other person, especially elder generations, are panicking that their culture and/or religion is being attacked or is under threat, and suddenly their deep disguised insecurity has surfaced back on top, too loudly indeed. Every opposing mentality is deemed inappropriate. There is suddenly no room for a difference of opinion, no scope for fruitful, healthy debates, no ears for perspectives.

I clearly remember how it was at home, when I was in my teens. Watching progressive talk shows and then debating about it was a normal thing at home, and it always enriched us with perspectives. Now look at the talk shows that you see. These moderators do not seem very neutral as they are supposed to be. On top of it, they slam those whose thoughts do not confirm to their opinions.

I mean, where the hell is freedom of speech nowadays? If I post my opinion anywhere, and if it does not seem to be agreeable, people start immediately slut shaming me! No debating, no arguing! Directly tagging the person as a slut/anti-national/terrorist/shameless, striping off their dignity just because their thoughts oppose yours!

Forget debates, these days artistic freedom is extensively being challenged and being crippled by the conservative mind-set. A couple of Carnatic musicians who were bringing radical changes to the excessively caste-oriented and religion-oriented set up in the Carnatic music industry in Tamil Nadu, have faced so many hate speeches and backlashes, and appeal for being boycotted across the state from performing, and all this for what? For trying to make the art evolve beyond religion! (Read a brief news here). To top it all, the artist who was supporting them is also being targeted, and his concerts being called off! (Read one of the news articles here). 

An Art is independent of any caste, religion, or sect! Art belongs to all and nobody can refrain one from pursuing it, particularly in an independent and democratic country!

Here, it is not the political parties, but the common citizens like you and me that are completely opposing the idea of Carnatic music being more inclusive towards other religions too. It is just so sad.

These are the same people who commended K.J.Yesudas for singing religious songs on Hindu gods despite being a Christian and Bollywood stars like Shah Rukh and Salman doing Ganapati Pooja despite being Muslims; but they cannot bear with the converse of it to happen! 

This whole behavior of this country belonging to one religion alone is so toxic (thanks to the poison that was inflicted back in 1947) and has become interminable now. This is as though we have lent our own land to them, and as though this country is not theirs; as though one religion holds some sort of superiority under some invisible natural law! This country is as much theirs, as is ours. I do not understand why this is so hard to understand!

If these are not right-wing thoughts in everyday life, then what is?  It feels as though our country’s mentality has regressed back to the 80s and 90s! With increasing use of social media, this battle between the conservatives and radicals is even more prominent. And with most youngsters on the left and their parents on the right, the drift in thought process is creating gaps everywhere, including inside families.

Most children end up being either pretentious or give in to the conventional, reactionary, ultra-conservative, and often times unprogressive notions, just to retain peace at home, for it is much more important to put family values above one’s personal views. People like me end up drifting more towards the centre, trying to balance between the left and the right. However, it is also extremely tough to live and sustain such a duality in everyday life.

Now coming to the part which hurts me even more. If only you were thinking that it is only in India, you are sadly mistaken. A friend of mine has recently shifted to Australia, and tells me about how people there are coaxed into conversion into Christianity and how non-Christians are eyed at differently.

The world overall, if you observe, is increasingly being swayed away by the same storm and the lives outside our country are no different, in a larger picture. Capitalism-driven conservatism, protectionism, trade war, currency war, sanctions, attacks on commoners, political coup attempts, corruption and favoritism, anti-social elements, cyber-attacks, election scams, and this list is unending and all pervasive across the world. only a handful of countries are probably spared of these.

The very storm which is filling the people’s minds with this dust is the notion of conservatism altogether (not only in political context) and indeed we are losing our radical, rational and potentially reforming mind-set to this dust. And this isn’t a pleasant news, y’all!

Think of where we are heading now!

मेरे माता पिता की तमिलियन हिन्दी

हिन्दी के प्रति अपना विचार या हिन्दी सीखने का अनुभव साझा करने की बात आई तो मुझे तो यह ही याद आया कि मेरी मातृभाषा तमिल होने के बावजूद, हिन्दी बोलने, पढ़ने या लिखने में मुझे और मेरे बड़े भाई को तो कभी इतनी कठिनाई महसूस नहीं हुई। मगर मेरे माता पिता का यह सफर इतना आसान नहीं रहा। हाँ मगर दिलचस्प ज़रूर था। मेरे माता पिता ऐसी ही अनेक दिलचस्प किस्से हमे सुनाया करते थे, जिनमे से कुछ मैं आज आप के साथ बँटना चाहूंगी।  

एक किस्सा- मुर्गा का मंदिर 

मेरे पिता, श्री एस. वेंकटरामन, सन 1982 में जब तमिल नाडु के कुंबकोणम नामक एक प्रसिद्ध नगर से काम की तलाश में निकले, तो घूमते भटकते वे दिल्ली आ पहुंचे। हिन्दी बोलना तो दूर, वे उन लोगो में से एक थे जो एक समय पर तमिल नाडु के हिन्दी-विरोधी आंदोलनों का पक्ष लेते थे। शायद कभी सपने में भी सोचा न होगा उन्होने कि न केवल वे, परंतु उनकी आने वाली पीड़ी भी हिन्दी से इस तरह जुडने वाली है कि मानो हिन्दी जैसे उनकी अपनी मातृभाषा हो।

यह उन दिनों की बात है जब गूगल मैप्स नहीं थे, गूगल ट्रैंज्लेटर के विचार ने भी जन्म नहीं लिया था और अधिकांश लोगो के पास मोबाइल फोन नहीं थे। एक दिन मेरे पिता दिल्ली के एक प्रसिद्ध मंदिर के दर्शन करने निकल पड़े। हिन्दी बोलना जानते नहीं, और जगह का नाम मालूम नहीं। बस यह मालूम था उन्हे कि यह भगवान कार्तिकेय का एक सुंदर और विशाल मंदिर है, और दक्षिण भारत के लोगों ने इस मंदिर की स्थापना की है। मेरे पिता जी ने ऑटो बुलाया और बोले ‘मुझे मुर्गा का मंदिर जाना है’। ऑटो वाला चौक गया कि ये कौनसी जगह है दिल्ली में जहां मुर्गे की पूजा होती है। ऑटो वाले ने फिरसे दोहराने को कहा, और मेरे पिता ने फिर से बोला उन्हे कि ‘मुझे मुर्गा का मंदिर जाना है’। ऑटो वाले ने मौका देखा उन्हे उल्लू बनाने का, और ले चले 30 किलो मिटर दूर एक मुर्गा मार्केट नमक चिकन बाज़ार में और कहा ‘ये रहा मुर्गा का मंदिर’। मेरे पिता हैरान होकर सोच में पड़ गए कि ‘मैंने ऐसा क्या बोल दिया इन्हे जो मुझ शाकाहारी को ऐसी जगह ले आया ये आदमी’। बेचारे मेरे पिता, वहाँ से दूसरा ऑटो पकड़ कर वापस घर चले आए।

दरअसल हुआ यह कि तमिल में भगवान कार्तिकेय को मुरुगा (या मुरूगन) बोलते हैं। हिन्दी न मालूम होने के कारण भगवान कार्तिकेय की जगह उन्हे मुर्गो के दर्शन मिल गए। कई दिनों बाद उन्हे पता चला कि उस मंदिर का नाम है ‘मलई मंदिर’ जो दक्षिण दिल्ली के आर.के.पुरम नमक जगह में स्थित है। आज भी जब हम उस मंदिर के दर्शन करने जाते हैं, मेरे पिता उनही यादों के साथ यह कहानी फिरसे दोहराते हैं।

माँ के शिक्षक हम

अपने शहर चेन्नई के बाहर की दुनिया से बिलकुल अंजान, मेरी माँ, श्रीमति एस. गीता, दिल्ली आ पहुंची सन 1991 में, शादी के तुरंत बाद। अब गृहणी होतीं तो आस पड़ोस के लोगों से घुलने मिलने का समय होता और इसी बहाने थोड़ी हिन्दी भी सीख लेतीं। मगर वे ठहरीं कामकाजी महिला जो केवल अंग्रेजी से काम चला लेती थीं। हिन्दी सीखना तो दूर उन्हे हिन्दी सुनने में भी कोई दिलचस्पी नहीं थी। आज भी याद है वो दिन जब मैं और मेरा भाई आपस में हिन्दी में बात करने लगे थे, और हमारी माँ ने हमे डांटा कि ये कौन सी एलियन भाषा में बात कर रहे हो, तमिल में बात करो घर में।

परंतु यह समय भी बदला। अब सरकारी दफ्तर में काम करने के कारण उन्हे हिन्दी में कार्य करना सीखना पड़ा। तब हम भी स्कूल में हिन्दी सीखने लगे थे। वो दिन भी बड़े ही दिलचस्प थे जब हम स्कूल से हिन्दी सीख कर आते और शाम को अपनी माँ को घर में हिन्दी बोलना सिखाते थे। हमारी माँ हमेशा वस्तुयों के लिंगों को उलट पुलट कर देती थी, और हम उनकी इस नादानी पर हस्ते रहते। 27 साल हो गए पर आज भी हम उनकी इस विकलता को दूर नहीं कर पाये हैं। माँ हमे स्कूल टोप्पर बनाने के लिए रोज़ हमे पढ़ाया करती थीं, और हम उन्हे उनके हिन्दी कि परीक्षा पास कराने में मदद करते। अपनी माँ को कुछ सिखाने का मौका हर किसी को नहीं मिलता। यह एक और वजह है कि हिन्दी मेरे दिल के इतने करीब है।

यह सच है कि सबको अपनी मातृभाषा सीखनी चाहिए। शायद इसी कारण हमारे माता पिता ने हमे ऐसे स्कूल में पढ़ाया जहां हिन्दी के साथ साथ हम अपनी मातृभाषा में भी कार्य करने के लिए सक्षम बनें। इतना ही नहीं, हमारे घर में एक नियम है कि घर के अंदर कदम रखते ही कोई हिन्दी में बात नहीं करेगा, सारी बातें केवल तमिल में होंगी। कई बार जब गलती से हिन्दी में हम कुछ बात कह भी देते थे तो उस बात का कोई उत्तर हमे नहीं मिलता था। और शायद इनहि कुछ उसूलों और नियमों के कारण आज हम दोनों भाषाएँ बोल, पढ़ और लिख सकते हैं। पर कहते हैं कि जिस भाषा में आप सोचते हो वही भाषा सही माइने में आपकी अपनी भाषा होती है। तमिल भले ही मेरे लिए अत्यंत प्रिय है, पर मैं सोचती हिन्दी में हूँ। शायद इसलिए मेरा मानना है कि तमिल मेरी मातृभाषा है और हिन्दी मेरे मन की भाषा है।