What A Perennial Lack of Energy Feels Like

Where did all my energy go? 

There was something in me when you were here. 

Something that kept my energy high. Something that got lost in the abyss of my brokenness the moment you left.

I regained and rebuilt every part of me that got broken down into wrecks of nothingness two years back. 

I even recreated some new things within me that made me look up to life with a great level of optimism. But after all that, even today I lack the enthusiasm that once belonged to me when you were around. 

Often I tell myself that I feel like this because I miss you and probably it's all temporary. But two years of persistent lack of it makes me want to look for an answer.

And so I ask myself daily, without fail, what is it that I had back then, what was my source of enthusiasm and liveliness, the source of an unending smile and relentless hope, my source of joy, optimism and courage? What was it?

It's surprising how knowing this answer makes me want to avoid the answer more and more.

The answer was perhaps very simple.

I had with me, the strength of love, of unbelievably beautiful and mind-bogglingly crazy love that charged me up instantly. The love for a lover like none on planet earth. The love that made miracles happen to me. Whose glimpse would bring floods of joy. Whose touch would turn lava into icebergs. Whose presence would cure my physical ailments as if it were a personalised medicine designed to cure me alone! 

The love that was just an illusion created by me within my head, that never existed in the world we live in and so when my bubble burst, reality flashed itself to me and I saw that my enthusiasm was stolen in seconds.

But sadly, the question still remains.. Where did all my energy go?

Lessons from the Journey - I

#1 Be there for all, but expect none for yourself. If you could be there for them, you can certainly be your own hero too.

#2 If running behind money brings happiness to you, you'll never know what life is really about.

#3 The moment you feel sick about being sad, realize that you are taking responsibility for your happiness.

#4 Life is too small to keep cribbing over little things. Acknowledge great days, learn from the worst, but keep moving.

#5 Even if you could manage to make sure one person's life becomes better because of your presence, you can be sure that your life's been fruitful.

#6 To any challenge that approaches you for the first time, begin with a "Yes" instead of a "No".

#7 The best way to ascertain whether someone is worth trusting or not, is to actually trust them and see.

#8 If by doing something or being with Someone, you feel a constant sense of irritation or unrest, move away from it.

#9 Learning from other's experiences is wise. But don't rely on them.

#10 We should not abandon communication all together, but remember that people value words more when there are fewer of them.

What Happens When You Spend Too Much Time with an Incisive, Witty Woman

This post is my first ever post about my observations and experience with a dear friend, a colleague and an extremely fascinating little woman.

I have known her for two years now, but I happen to spend almost the entire day with her lately, ever-since we became colleagues-cum-cabinmates.

She's one of those differently insightful people, who always brings forth an alternative way of assessing an event, a situation or a person. The kind of person who makes you want to improve yourself, especially in terms of knowledge. 

The way she involves herself into deep knowledgeable information, constantly trying to push the futile, distractive  elements away, is inspiring. 

She's one of those whose judgements are 95% reliable and she never lets her thoughts lie idle at the corner of her brain and keeps thinking, rethinking (also at times overthinking) things happening around the world (and also around her life).

And oh my she's witty! She cracks a joke or two in a day, that ends up making us laugh about it till the time she finds another joke to make our ribs hurt in laughing.

What happened when I started spending more time with her is that my perspectives on looking at events became matured. I started analysing things differently, in a better way, with enough practical information at its base. She's someone who doesn't open her mouth on things she has no knowledge about, but when she does speak, you'll know that she has well-researched the things, read several articles or posts about it, before coming to the conclusion. At times she also explain the one event or situation with two different perspectives, leaving you to think on your own and arrive at your own opinion.

You know thats what is inspiring. That's what makes wise and learned people stand out in a crowd. They have an opinion but do not impose it on someone else. Nor do they demean someone's opinion because it doesn't match with theirs. They simply accept difference of opinion and also provide ample information for one to analyse things and arrive at a conclusion on their own. She's got the potential of being a great leader for she's so forward-looking and optimistic. Her sense of national pride is another thing that makes me adore her.

And when she does lack knowledge on something, she'll be open  enough for accepting it and learn more. Her quest for knowledge is astonishing and I see a little bit of her growing in me too, for I have started quoting her in my conversations lately.

That's what strong, insightful women do; They make you grow without having to teach you anything per se.

In these four months of work, I have grown more as an individual with greater knowledge and a wider perspective than as a professional with greater work skills. And she plays a big role in making me this way.

That's what happens when you have an  incisive, witty woman around.

Her name is Bhavna Jaidwal and I am happy to accompanied by her :)

PS 

I haven't been paid for marketing her goodness on my blog :P  and these really are my observations of her. :)

What It Feels Like to Adjust the Rear View Mirror of Looking at Life

A slight pivot in the way you see the situation can make you feel lighter in the mind and joyous from the heart.

Try this for instance: Instead of feeling used, start feeling that you're useful! Then all complaints vanish.

How many such countless instances happened when you were in trouble and help came from some source or the other, thank the universe for it.

And when help didn't arrive, what happened? You either gained an experience and grew from it, or just got a lesson for lifetime.

It is so easy to start blaming someone that they used you, as if the entire event happened without your participation or consent. That is where our tiny little brain explodes itself with the thoughts of self pity, victimisation of oneself etc; dragging oneself down to the depths of such hollow thoughts that it not only drains out all the energy and optimism from you, but also forms a negative self image after a point and even depression to some extent.

At some point in life, when life gives us challenges one after the other, it is easy to slip into depression and anxiety. Do not run away from it. Embrace it for only then will you be able to work on it and make yourself normal.

When things get difficult, cry about it, as much as you can. Cry till your throat aches, eyes burn and body heats up to boiling temperature. There's nothing better than venting out the sorrow for all it needs is a way to go out from you.

Sorrow doesn't want to stay in you either, just as you don't want to stay in sorrow.

But to drown in sorrow is like rotting away in one's own body, then all that'll be left will be ruins of your useless existence that you wasted without being of any help to anyone.

Start taking things as gift from the universe. Bad things are gift in disguise to make you grow while the good things are mere rewards for having crossed a level of challenge. Just as it happens in video games.

A slight pivot is all that you need to hold yourself from rotting into ruins.

No, I've not yet learnt it not am I a pro at it. I fall, I cry and I take my time to accept my sorrow. I embrace my pain and then I work on it. I take my own time. But when I'm done with that level of challenge, I am very certain that nature is ready to give me the next gift, or probably a better challenge.

And as I conclude this one I would like to quote something that I learnt from a great man 

"Why spend a lifetime in learning how to live? Why not spend the lifetime to live?"

What It Feels Like to Be Let Down by Those Who Matter.

This one particular post arose from a self-induced conversation with myself one morning, when I woke up to find that nobody sent me a random "good morning" text as it once used to be.

And then I asked myself, "have i also become like those thousands and millions of people who constantly run from morning till night, in the name of job and work pressure, who, in the end,forget how to really live life and forget that growing wrinkly with a lot of memories is more valuable than growing wrinkly with a lot of money?"

I paused, took a deep breath, and told myself, "no dear. It's unfortunately your dear ones who have become that way. Look at yourself, you still want memories more than Money". For once I was reassured.

I sighed and continued speaking to myself in my head, more so because, lately I have nobody else to speak to, about my life, my feelings, intellectual learning, and also random blabbers. 

Oh, how I miss blabbering randomly about everything that matters, and everything that doesn't. 

Now all that I do is be less talkative about myself in front of everyone, whether or not they matter to me.

Because, as I walked back the memory lane, I only saw that one by one, people became distant. 

But lets not blame them. They're living their journey and you're living yours. So we let them go graciously and not curse or abuse them. 

I remember what my father once told me when I needed some help but nobody turned up. 

He said "There will be times when every one you've ever known, trusted and loved, will be, intentionally or unintentionally, incapable and unavailable for extending their help and support to you. Perhaps that will be the time when you think you needed them the most. It could be family, friends, classmates, or anyone whom you dearly love. But, they may not arrive for your rescue. Do not blame them and increase your level of sorrow at that point. It's difficult not to, for even I get upset about such things even now. But do not hold on to it. And most importantly, do not do to them what they did to you. You'll realise that your powerful and capable enough for yourself or you'll get help from somewhere you never expected to."

I quickly retaliated "You think I'm a fool? You think I am stupid enough to help those people again? Never! Let them go to hell"

He just laughed at me and left, and we never spoke about it again.

But today, when I have actually been through this part, when I trusted deeply but was left stranded at a crucial moment, felt sad and lonely, and cried about it for several days together, and still trying to get over what happened and never look back at it, I remember what dad said.

So I wake up, and walk ahead as if I don't care if I was hurt, for I know I'll never forget how they didn't turn up when I wanted, but I also know that it is for me to decide whether to keep my compassion upheld or not.

I haven't yet decided it though.

But for later incidences, I know importantly whom I cannot to seek help from.

As my lovely Phagun puts it "People come and go from life, but that's what people do. You can't completely rely on anyone. And mostly, you gotta be your own hero"

For now, let's continue the journey as it goes.

What Rebuilding a New Self Feels Like

No matter how strong you are as an individual, we all know that none of us are void of those deep-rooted feelings and emotions that make us go weak on our knees at times..

It might be the case that not many of those around you know that you too have a delicate side, which, when touched, melts you down or breaks you down completely. But there can not be a single human being who doesn't have such a side and in fact, there's nothing wrong in having a soft side which is hidden within you.

But my focus, in this particular blog, is to express what happens when that delicate corner of the heart is hurt..

Often, people who have a strong personality, build higher walls around their heart, so that their delicate corner is accessible only by the few, who they think are worth opening up to. 

And then there are those like me..

I have not been an outright strong person and I've been known for my frequent emotional outbursts and heartbreaks and regular breech of trust, for I hardly had a wall around my heart.. It looked more like a parapet, easy enough to jump across even by the smallest one around.. And so anyone who happened to seem nice to me would get a place in my heart and I would easily put my trust in them and in most cases, get hurt by them..

There are countless such instances where I have been immensely hurt and it was only after a lot of pain that I understood that it wasn't them who had hurt me, it was my lack of attention to detail of their characters that made me get hurt eventually..

As I turned inwards in my approach to life, I realized that nobody hurts you unless you give them the authority to do so.. 

For example, your parents or your lover.. They are so important to you that if they are mean to you, your whole life may seem meaningless and just a feeling of constant support from them, on the other hand, makes you feel complete. Why??

Because you have given them the place of utmost importance..

It was, however, easier put in words than implemented in life.

For someone like me, it became extremely suffocating to judge people before letting them in. Half the time, I would prefer going through the pain after being hurt than going through the exhausting task of judging people beforehand.

For me, even to do a tiny act of kindness to another person, it was essential to let them in my world.. Anybody who wasn't a part of my world, had nothing to get from me, not even a glimpse nor a smile. Nothing!

And in such a situation, where I trusted anybody that were sweet to me, I went through a series of unending heartbreaks, year after year, without a break.

It was more exhausting than one can take. I decided to then shut myself down and keep my circle small and be independent of anyone, including the dearest ones.

This created so many conflicts particularly as it meant to rebuild the person I'd been for 20 years of my life, to become something ideal..

Many attempts failed, and many still in progress.. 

My new ideologies clash with what my heart has been trained to believe for the past 20 years and oh my, it is exhausting..

So much to do, so much to explore and I feel so entangled between the mind and heart, that sometimes all I need is to take a break, run away and be on my own..

Perhaps the most soothing way to live is to keep an open heart and be dispassionate about people, explore new opportunities and places and just be.

Analysis of everything becomes just so exhausting that you'd prefer being mentally challenged than being emotionally drained.

In the end, the fact remains that human life is bound to be affected by the humans around and nobody can save u from the pain they give you in some way or the other. All you can do, is probably just shake it off, move ahead, even when it hurts, with a hope that maybe tomorrow is a better day.

Until We Meet Again!

There is not a single vocabulary book or thesaurus website that can give me a word close-enough to describe in any human language about what I feel about you. Perhaps that’s why they say soul-to-soul communications happen in silence and just a glimpse into the eyes or just a small gesture of affection expresses much more than what words could do.

Aju, I have expressed countless number of times of how much close you are to my heart but I failed to let you know how proud I am of you. I am proud of the person you’ve grown into in this short period of time in which I’ve known you. From denying your own emotions to accepting every situation as it comes, you’ve become so inspiring. From saying things to make me feel better during my lows to putting forth the harsh realities in a subtle way in your beautifully soothing voice, you've become so matured. And whatever you have become, I am proud of it all. I am proud that I have an honest friend, and I feel lucky that you stand right next to me whenever need be.

For the next phase of life, I will still keep my promise for a forever-friendship!

Wish you all the best, pumpkin!

Love you like the moon loves the sky! :)